jackieeeeee

today i am sad.

why is my life still defined by you? every single thing i do is subconsciously about you. happy three years, baby. i wish i could get them back.







there's no other words to describe it but these:
"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms. "

    "Every girl deserves a story. One story that's juicy, dramatic, and--for good or bad--life changing.  One story that takes up 25 pages in her journal and in a sense defines her. Like she's better for having gone through the experiences of that story.
    "Some never have a story. Some: the stories never end. But everyone should have one. Two just seems selfish. One is enough, thank you!
    "Mine is Chris. And Stephanie. And me. Life changing, dramatic, 25 pages long.
    "But another one has been brewing. For 3 years almost. 3 years (and just as many pages, I fear). It is the story of the boy. A roller coaster of emotion, energy, excitement, tension, jealousy, and heartaches since May 2005.
    "Shit.
    "One was enough."




"The future takes us where it leads.
Our heads just go beneath the waves.
Time tells all, and we obey.
But how can I be mad at you?
You did what you did and you followed through.
You were the one who always said, forget it and move on.
But I'm not sad, I'm just disappointed.
And I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me? So I die happy...
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
or break, or bury, or wear as jewelry.
Whichever you prefer.

i got a crush
=) let's see how this goes.

"when the lights come on this whole place gets ugly
but when they're out, strangers fall in love
[he] could never say that flat out [he] don't want me
cuz i could never say that halfway ain't enough."

i'm exhausted.

you never bought me flowers like you said you would.

and you never came to see me even though i worried about you every day you were in the hospital.

and you never called me like you said you'd try harder to do.

and i made myself a fool because i believed you.
and i made myself a fool by waiting for you.










you know, it's just like that movie we watched together. you asked me to wait for you. to wait. for a long time. maybe even forever. even though in the end, you never loved me, just like he never loved her. the difference is this, though: she waited for him. she loved him. she died for him. i knew better.

"joy to you" is evaporating. at this alarming rate, it will be completely gone by march. what's happening? why the sudden change? has it slowly been decreasing in water level for 9 years? have i just not noticed?
even when "joy to you" is completely dried up, i will keep him. i will never forget the 4 years you gave me and the 9 years since i chose "joy to you" even though, even then, it wasn't completely filled.
you taught me everything i know about music and beauty and art. you taught me how to love something, to be passionate, to live for something.

you gave me so much. even when you died, you never really died. and even when the half-filled snow globe with the elephant holding a balloon and the small words "joy to you" painted in the pedestal dries and evaporates and no longer exists as a snow globe, i will keep it.  i will keep you.

"Life is beautiful."

Buon giorno, Principessa!  Life is beautiful. I've never been so happy in my life. And I don't mean like momentarily happy. I mean thoroughly happy. And that's not to say that I get sad or upset about things from time to time. But since, well, maybe August...I've grown as an individual. I am realizing the grandeur and beauty of this thing we call life. There is so much destruction in this world, and yet, I am hopeful. I am scared and upset, but I am so so hopeful.
I love where I am in my life. I love what I do. I love who I'm with. I love my cities, my schools, my country, my life, my friends' lives, my world. It is a  complete happiness, meaning that, yes, I can be upset or sad about something, but in the end, I can honestly describe myself as happy. I am not depressed anymore. I am not emo. I am not lost or scared. I am a light. Others are lights for me.

I might go to Idaho for the summer; get an internship there and just experience something different. Normally, this would scare the hell out of me. I'm already away from NY for far too long. But, there's more out there, and I would like to see it. Boise is supposed to be a beautiful city. I've been home for this break for about 2 and a half weeks, working at Friendly's, seeing my friends, and relaxing. Catching up on my reading, my sleep, my wholesomeness. There are no boys. There is always drama, of course. But it doesn't even matter. I don't know, this is pointless...I really have nothing to say except I'm happy. And "Thank you" to all the people who helped get me there, and stood by me while I wasn't always so bubbly.

Pedro the Lion is loud in the speakers, and the city waits just outside our open windows. She sits and sings, legs crossed in the passenger seat, her pretty voice hiding in the volume. Music is a safe place and Pedro is her favorite. It hits me that she won't see this skyline for several weeks, and we will be without her. I lean forward, knowing this will be written, and I ask what she'd say if her story had an audience. She smiles. "Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars."

I would rather write her a song, because songs don't wait to resolve, and because songs mean so much to her. Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness. These words, like most words, will be written next to midnight, between hurricane and harbor, as both claim to save her.

to write love on her arms is beautiful.

i have some time, so i'll write. that's what i do. i write.
actually, i do a lot. i love to write. i love to read. i love politics.
i love coffee. i love running. i love veronica mars.
i love music. i love to work. it's weird but true.
i love to work to get good grades and i love to work
to make good money and i love to work to see my pages
in the newspaper look amazing, even if it took 13 hours to get them like that.
but which of these makes me who i am?

i am a product of all that i used to be. all the things i used to love.
all the things i have seen, done, and experienced.
and what i was a second ago is not what i am now.
that's who i am.

in a motel room, with the bible out  / combing scriptures for answers about / what's happening now /
cuz i cant believe my eyes / and i just don't trust my ears / but i've heard a man can always come find / some solace here / and lord, iknow that we dont talk / often at all anymore / but desperate folks do desperate things /
so i'm stapling this note to your door / please, turn the ship around / and lock the course in place /
and keep the train tracks nailed to the ground / or pull the emergency break /
cuz i've lost my faith in man / just like i once lost faith in you / and i've been covering all kinds of ground /
 thinking hard 'bout what else i could lose / and i know how i look / to come crawling back  /
acting like you owe me proof / but this is bigger than me / i think it's bigger than you too  /
so if this gets to you / yeah if you ever come home / just know I won't be awaiting the postman /
i will not be glued to my phone / i 'll know a change has come / i'll know that you exist  /
when all our bombs stop exploding / and when all of those landmines are stripped
and we stop blowin' up strangers' houses /and making orphans of innocent kids /
 and people stop thinking the world's theirs for the taking / cuz your world once told them it is /
til then, i'm gonna shake my head / i'm gonne bite my tongue / when people tell me, '"have faith and be patient,  /
we're waiting for god to show up." / yeah 'til then, it's one more skeptical song / and i'll be glad as hell /
 if you come and prove me wrong.

kevin devine- lord, i know we don't talk

will my life be long enough to see the things i want to see?
i believe this world is just too big for me.


i hate drama and..and and BOYS.
but i love sunny days, good friends
and excellent music. i live for good
music. "music's the only thing that
makes sense anymore, man. play 
it loud enough, it keeps the demons 
at bay." -from across the universe.

 

life
is
crazy



















isn't it?

i'm confused. i wish i wasn't. i wish life wasn't so difficult and i wish i wasn't so selfish because my difficult is like cake for what more than half of the world has to deal with everyday. i just.. basically.. basically it's like.. when it rains, it pours. it pours and floods your car. and even after the water's gone your car still smells like flood. and it sits there and every time you forget about it, it hits you again, and that much harder. every time you think the pouring is over, and maybe even the rain.. it just.. it doesn't go away. and you wish it would. i'm so fucking tired of the rain. when can i have a blue sky and a yellow sun?
:/

5.27     damien rice
7.13     dispatch
7.21     goo goo dolls
8.3       o.a.r.
8.6       muse
9.7       damien rice


a nice way to start and finish off the summer.